Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Am I Good Enough? Am I Trying Hard Enough?

Do you ever feel that maybe you just aren't good enough? That maybe you just aren't trying hard enough - but you're not sure what more you can do? My buddy Karen's sister, Kate, who is gearing up for another 100-miler in September, came down over the weekend to run her required miles of 30/20/20. Karen and Bill, our coach, were going to run with her for most of her miles. I was suppose to join them, but due to being forced off running for a week, didn't happen.

I talked with Karen today and she told me that although she hadn't run the full 30 with Kate on Saturday (she and Bill split this, I believe), she had run the balance of the mileage with her the rest of the weekend. And she felt great the whole time. While she's talking, I'm thinking, "Are you kidding me? How in the world did she do that?" Don't get me wrong, I most definitely don't begrudge her that stamina, but I feel so - how do I put it - weak compared to her, and it's stupid, because I know it's not warranted.

I have to keep reminding myself that the first 2 months of the year I was sick as a dog with my gall bladder and recovering from surgery, that during that time I definitely lost out on a lot of training, and that I'm still in the "come back" mode, sort of. But when I hear her say that SOB is going to be a cakewalk, I want to scream - not at her because I'm very proud of the strong runner she is becoming, but at myself because I'm afraid that $%^*& mountain is going to eat me alive.

I have to keep reminding myself of my proud finish at Redwood Park just a couple of weeks ago, that I'm getting more in tune with my hydration and nutrition needs, that the training this time around is going to be more complete. But sometimes all the positive talk you give yourself can't be heard very well over that son of a bitch negative voice, and it sucks.

But to end this post on a positive note - I had a great 5 miles this a.m. with hill repeats, and besides that fact that I was desperately beating a path to Safeway at Mile 4, I felt really good.


rustyboy said...


1. I've been kicking my own butt up and down for not finishing the Forest Park 50k in 5 hours or less. Not as much as I would have in the past, but still.

2. Today I ran 6 miles with a new friend I met online, and he was awed that anyone he has even MET has run 50 k.

It's tough to not be hard on yourself, but also - as you said - it's been a rocky first 6 months of this year for you!

And, for the record, I think you kick some serious ass, woman.

fatozzig said...

Thanks, Russ. I really needed that positive input. It's not often I get the blues about my progress, but sometimes . . . grrrr. But enough's enough! Thanks!

Kate said...

Leslie - don't start comparing yourself to anyone else. We all can identify someone who is faster, stronger, prettier, richer, etc. than us whom we can allow to make us feel bad about ourselves. But, JUST DON'T DO IT! What you do ROCKS! Wanting to do what you do ROCKS even more. Just concentrate on having fun for your own sake.

fatozzig said...

And with the doc's orders, I'm smilin' again! Thanks, Kate! :o)