As I sit here at work listening to someone leave a loooooong drawn out message on our office answering machine about their life (I was in the can and the phone rang - couldn't answer it), I ponder the following: When people leave messages on answering machines, why do they feel the need to (1) leave their entire life's history, and/or (2) talk slower than sap running down a tree then talkatlighteningspeedwhengivingtheirnumber, thus forcing you to listen to their blather again, and possibly yet again to try and capture their phone number? Huh? Can anyone in this universe explain this phenomena to me?

And what's with calling early in the morning or late at night? Unless it is a dire emergency (you've lost a limb, your house is on fire) do not call me before 9:00 a.m. or after 9:00 p.m. I do not want to talk to you . . . I don't care how close a friend you think you are, or even if you're a relative.

And yes, I screen my phone calls at home. There it is. Live with it. If I'm home and I want to talk to you, I'll answer the phone. If I don't want to talk to you, I won't. Sarcastic comments such as "I know you're sitting there listening to me," will get you absolutely nowhere. Maybe I am sitting here listening to you. But maybe I'm on the toilet and can't get to the phone. (Yeah, it's a frequent visitation hot spot for me.) Or maybe I've fallenand I can't get up. (I don't have LifeLine.) Unlike a lot of people I know, I do not have a penchion for keeping my phone, cell or otherwise, strapped to my body at all times. And maybe I'm not actually home. Believe it or not, I do have a life outside of the office and the house. It's not a big life, but it's a life nonetheless.

I am on the telephone all day at work. The last thing I want to do is be on the phone all evening when I'm home. I want to eat my dinner in peace, be a couch potato, fall asleep and drool on the couch pillow.

So what does all this blather come down to? Don't call me, I'll call you.